People have their own perspectives on the word “global.” Some might think about traveling “Eat Pray Love”-style, some Debbie Downers might think about global warming and people like me might think of the size of their asses. Just kidding – well, half kidding. What I really think about when I think of anything international is whether my personal debt will follow me when I run away to New Delhi.
But my personal debt is a tweet for another week’s timeline; the real global issue is Twitter. Someone once told me – or maybe a movie told me – that he or she likes math because it is the same all over the world. It is pretty much the same for Twitter. People from all over the world tweet things no one else cares about.
Since my broke self will never be able to travel unless I am bought into some kind of overseas prostitution ring, I will just have to see the world through the eyes of tweeters. Unfortunately, when I try to search for “international” fun on Twitter, all I get is a bunch of garbage from people who don’t understand the word. Shaking my not-so-global head.
@livetheshowtYme: AHHHHh @lilianamarquez I like to pretend I’m some kind of Latino I just love the culture LOL, we can learn Portuguese together!
That’s respectable – some kind of Latino. I’d like to see the hell that would ensue if you said “like some kind of African.”
@GUCCIGURLi95: CALL ME MISS #INTERNATIONAL IM ALL OVER THE #WORLD….
Hey girl, why so angry? Even my mom knows that if you use all caps online, it implies that you are yelling. I saw your tweet before this one, and it says you travel from the East Coast to the West Coast a lot. That’s cool, but that doesn’t make you international. I didn’t pay attention in ninth grade geography, but I am almost certain if you have traveled across one country, it doesn’t mean you’ve been all over the world. I could be wrong. direct message me.
@MrBosston: “I want to take my chick around the globe, Hawaii handgliding In the mountains, shttin on these ho’s”
Are you really allowed to “sht” on hoes while you hand glide? I am confused, though. Would your girl be “shttin” on the hoes, too, or are you “shttin” on her? You should probably DM me about all of this, too. P.S. Good job distracting me with all of this kinky weird mountain play – I almost didn’t notice that you put an apostrophe in what should have been “hoes.” Maybe you are trying to be clever and imply some kind of ownership over the girl, but I am going to stick to my guns and say you don’t understand punctuation.
The mental image of someone “shttin” on hoes in the mountains is too much for me to even try to conclude with something remotely witty. Just assume that I am pouring myself a glass of red wine, from Italy. Global.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.