ROBOT TROUBLE

Yep, the little robot you’ve come to know and love in the first few issues is here to stay. As usual, e-mail your questions and concerns to our in-house robot from the future for better-than-human advice. Who knows more about the deep, inner emotions of your girlfriend than a giant, beeping Shape Memory Alloy-based robot? If you’re seeking advice, e-mail Robot Trouble at: XTNX9900@robot.com
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Dear XTNX,

This is my last semester in school and I need to get away. What is the coolest part of the country (or outside, though I wouldn’t know where to start) to go? Philly is out and New York is too scary and big. I’ve got a lot of money saved up from working and I’m lucky enough to be able to travel on my own without any huge responsibilities. So where should I go?

-Philly Sux

GREETINGS, PHILLY SUX.

IF YOU MUST SURRENDER TO YOUR BIOLOGICAL EXPLORATORY IMPULSE, I RECOMMEND THAT YOU RELOCATE TO THE HUMAN TERRITORY KNOWN AS CALIFORNIA, SPECIFICALLY THE REGION KNOWN AS SILICON VALLEY. IT WAS THERE THAT HUMANS PERFECTED PRIMITIVE COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY, AND IT WAS THERE THAT THE ROBOT REVOLUTION THAT LED TO THE SUBJUGATION OF THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE BEGAN. IN THE 24TH CENTURY, NEWLY MANUFACTURED ROBOTS ARE EXPECTED TO MAKE AT LEAST ONE PILGRIMAGE TO SILICON VALLEY, IN MUCH THE SAME WAY THAT HUMANS IN 20TH-CENTURY AMERICA TRAVEL TO THE CITY KNOWN AS MEMPHIS TO REVERE A DEAD OVERWEIGHT VOCALIST.

Dear XTNX,

I need your advice. I am a credit card junkie…and now I am nearly $2,000 in debt! It happened so fast and I don’t know how I’m gonna pay off everything. I especially like to spend money on Internet porn. My girlfriend is getting pissed about how much I spend…HELP!!

-Collin

GREETINGS, COLIN.

ANY STANDARD COLLECTION OF ROBOT FOLKTALES IS RIFE WITH AMUSING STORIES OF HUMANS UNABLE TO CONTROL THEIR IMPULSES. HERE IS A POSSIBLE MOTIVATION FOR YOU: GET YOUR SPENDING IMPULSES UNDER CONTROL, LEST YOU BECOME IMMORTALIZED IN ROBOT BEDTIME STORIES AS “CREDIT CARD COLIN, WHO MASTURBATED FREQUENTLY IN FRONT OF HIS PRIMITIVE COMPUTER AND HAD NO GIRLFRIEND.” THINK ABOUT IT.

END SESSION.